What's Wrong With Earth?
by Pendus
Summary: Cultural satire with the classic Looney Tunes characters.


Looney Idol

Surface of Mars. Marvin is giving a speech.

Marvin: My fellow Martians! We are left with no alternative! We must destroy Earth now!

Cut to Marvin's audience

Martian 1: Why? What's Earth done to us?

Marvin: Why Earth has the vile beings anyone can ever imagine! You don't believe me? Why just look at their so-called ideals!

Cut to Yosemite Sam, Penelope Pussycat, and Henry Hawk are sitting at the judging booth. All have disgusted looks on their faces.

Cut to Pepe le Pew

Pepe: You're way too beauuuteeful, girl/Zat's why eet'll nevair work…

Pepe leans over to Penelope's side of the judging booth. Penelope recoils.

Pepe: You got me sueecidal, sueecidal/When zey say eet's ovair!

Close-up of Henry

Henry: You stink!

Close-up of Sam

Sam: You stink!

Close-up of Penelope

Penelope: It's over! You st-

SFX: Bang

Penelope now gasps.

Pan out to reveal Pepe's ghost.

Pepe: Thought I was keeding, no?

Cut to Int. Casino. Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck are watching the events on a television. Bugs gives a look of empathy. Daffy scowls.

Bugs: Che – tough biz!

Daffy shrugs.

Daffy: That's what they call show biz, Bugsy Boy.

Cut to Mars.

Marvin: You see? These Earth creatures set such a poor mold of behavior, poorly influencing the remainder of the planet's inhabitants.

Martian 2: Then why must we destroy them? They'll probably all destroy themselves in the end.

Marvin holds up a popularity chart of the solar system.

Marvin: Perhaps, but the popularity of the Earth is at all-time low. I wouldn't be surprised if this ludicrous attempt at entertainment has something to do with it. The entire galaxy despises the planet. If we blow them up, we'll be heroes. Isn't that lovely?

Martian 3: Perhaps the lack of popularity to Earth is due to their differing subcultures. They're not a unified planet, as is Mars.

Henry: Neeext!

Cut to the Road Runner singing "Beep Beeping" to the tune of "Blue Danube"

Road Runner: Beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep, beep beep, beep beep beep beep, beep beep, beep, beep beep beep meeeep, beep beep meeeeep, beep beep meeeep beep meeep, beep beep, beep beep

Cut to Int. Casino. Bugs smiles.

Bugs: Ah, classic.

Cut to the judging booth.

Penelope: Um, interesting take.

Henry: Ehh…

Sam jumps up on the table and shoots his pistols.

Sam: Git on outa here ya ornery son of a…

Pan out so the Road Runner can now be seen from the back view neck up.

Road Runner: Beeep!

Cut to the Road Runner dancing to avoid Sam's bullets. He does a split in the air, but the floor opens up under him.

Road Runner (falling from under the floor): Beep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… (voice gets progressively lower.)

Cut to the judging booth

Henry: Neeext!

Cut to Porky Pig

"L-l-listen my ch-chi-ch-chi-k-k-kids and you shall hear/Of the mi-uh-m-mi-uh the t-t-twelve o' clock ride of P-P-…"

Cut to the judging booth

Sam: We don't have 'til midnight!

Sam angrily pushes a button.

Pan out to reveal a giant cage dropping from the ceiling.

Close in on Porky grasping to the bars of the cage.

Taz rises from an elevator in the floor. Porky jumps back.

Cut to the judges watching. Taz can be heard spinning and laughing evilly as Porky screams.

Cut to the cage – now inhabited only by Taz.

Taz: Taz like sausage!

Cut to the judging booth

Henry: Eh, his career was basically dead anyway. Neeext!

Cut to Mars. Marvin shakes his head.

Marvin: How could those Earth creatures have survived for so long in the first place with such cannibalistic customs?

Martian 4: I believe one was of a different species, so it's not quite cannibalism.

Marvin: Still, the way the combine the different species that can kill each other…

Cut to Int. casino.

Bugs: Too bad. Guy coulda raised millions for da stutterin' young.

Daffy: Yeah, there's jutht no juthtithe anymore for people with sthpeech impediments.

Cut to Sylvester

Sylvester: All the puththycats have got a sthong./Meow! Meow!/You can hear the sthong the whole night long!/Meow! Meow!

Cut to judging booth

Cut to Int. casino. Bugs gives a smug look in response to Daffy's stupid comment.

Daffy: Now that guy had the weirdetht sthpeech impediment I never heard.

Penelope: Ugh! I don't think so! I official declare this poor specimen offensive to my species.

Sam presses another button.

Cut to a giant tree stump dropping from the ceiling. The tree stump crushes Sylvester.

Cut to int. casino.

Bugs: Guy's lucky he got "t'ree" woids in.

Cut to the audience (including Tweety, Granny, Hector, and several various one-shot characters, including Beaky Buzzard, Sniffles, and the Minah Bird.) Granny gasps. Hector jumps out. Hector's urination can be heard off-screen.

Close in on Tweety

Tweety: Aww, da poor putty tat!

Cut to janitor Pete Puma walking on stage with a mop and wheeled bucket.

Pete (looking down): Yeeeeesh!

Cut to Mars

Marvin turns to K-9.

Marvin: K-9, you, in contrast to these Earth creatures, would never perform such an unforgivable act of felony toward the agricultural kingdom, would you?

Cut to two Martian deliverymen delivering a shrub.

Deliveryman 1: Where do you want this?

K-9 jumps off the screen. Marvin sighs.

Marvin: Never mind.

Cut to the judging booth

Henry: Neeext

Cut to Foghorn Leghorn

Foghorn: Camptown ladies sing this song/Doo-dah! Doo-dah!…

Cut to the judging booth as Foghorn continues to sing. Close in on Henry's stomach

SFX: Roar

Foghorn (off-screen): The Camptown racetrack's two miles long./Oh Doo-dah day!

Cut to Foghorn.

Foghorn: Gwin to run all night! Gwin to run all day! Ah bet mah money on a bob-tailed nag!/Oh Doo-Dah Day!

Cut to the judging booth. Pan across the judges' expression. Penelope looks unamused. Sam looks grumpy. Henry looks hungry.

Henry: Francois! Louis!

Enter Francois and Louis with a straightjacket.

Cut to Foghorn

Foghorn: Are you ah say are you baws takin' me to the winners' circle?!

Francois: Oui, monsieur.

Francois and Louis walk with him toward backstage.

Close-up as Foghorn poses to smile at the audience.

They continue to walk backstage.

Sizzling sound effects are heard from backstage as Henry looks in that direction. Foghorn makes an actual rooster squawk.

Francois and Louis walk back to the judging booth with a platter of fried chicken.

Cut to Int. Casino. Bugs again droops his eyes after Daffy's stupid remark.

Bugs: Eh, we knew dat guy was gonna be a toikey from da start, right?

Daffy: Turkey? I thought he was a chicken.

Cut to Mars

Marvin: So it appears these earth creatures have even mastered shapeshifting. Interesting.

Henry (to the audience): Dat's what he gets for stealin' what shoulda been my career!

Henry (with his mouth full, now fat): Nxt! (Burp)

Cut to Elmer Fudd

Elmer: Hewwo!

Removes his derby.

Elmer: I'm bald, dabba dee dabba dai, dabba dee dabba dai, dabba dee dabba…

Cut to Sam angrily lighting a cannon pointed toward the audience

Sam: Die!

A blast can be heard off the screen.

Cut to Elmer dizzily walking off the stage blown up.

Cut to Mars.

Marvin: From what I understand that one has a speech impediment as well. He pronounces his l's and r's as w's. He just chose a song that would avoid those particular letters. What a shameful façade in order to gain fame and fortune.

Martian 6: From what I understand there are a number of Earth creatures with genetic misfortunes that make no attempt to hide them and are highly respected for conquering those disabilities – and many have become quite successful because of them.

Cut to the judging booth.

Henry: Neeext!

Cut to Speedy Gonzales

Speedy: Hola, amigos, I am Speedy Gonzales, the fastest mouse in all of old Mejico.

Sam jumps off the judging booth and puts his pistols to Speedy

Sam: Oh yeah? Well sing, hombre!

Speedy: You just keep on poosheeng my love over the borderline. Looks like I'm going to lose my mind! You just keep on poosheeng my love

Cut to the judging booth as Speedy sings. There is thought balloon over all three heads imagining Speedy (with a t-shirt saying "illegal" on it) crossing the border to the U.S. Sam jumps off the judging booth again.

Sam: Say, let's see some I.D. if you don't mind.

Speedy: I.D.? Holy frijoles! I…

Penelope: Urgh! You are so lucky I'm a vegetarian!

Sam fires his pistols. Speedy runs from the bullets.

Sam: Go back wher ya came from, ya mangy, fur-bearin', no-account, varmint alien!

Cut to Mars

Marvin: That one's an alien? We must save him and destroy his persecutor before it's too late.

Martian 7: Firstly, perhaps he just meant "alien" from an Earth subculture, and secondly, would it really be right on our part to interfere with Earthly events?

Martian 8: They're from a different world. Perhaps, in their own way, they're all in their own individual ways fine as they are.

Medium close-up of Marvin wincing in annoyance.

Marvin: It's not just what they do on their own planet…

Pan out as Marvin speaks to reveal parodies of various brand name fast foods, i.e. MacDonkey's (with a donkey in Ronald McDonald-like clothing), Bendy's (with a girl resembling Wendy twisted up like a pretzel), King Burger (with a humanized hamburger wearing a crown), and Ken and Kerry's Ice Kream.

Marvin: They even sell weapons on our own planet. If there's one thing I will not stand for it's our own glorious society being too Earthicized.

Martian 9: But the true question is if we destroy them, would they still be the true villains or would we?

Cut to Int. casino.

Daffy: We gotta dethtroy Mars.

That's All, Folks!


End file.
